Delayed Gratification

My newfound delight is deprivation. I have lost 20 pounds. I sleep less. And now I am delaying gratification. The counter on my other blog says right now that there are roughly 6 hours until the next Anita Blake book is released. I got mine on Saturday. It has lived under my nightstand ever since. I have read one book since then and picked up another and been given 4 more. I want to pile up many reading materials between me and that book. I am waiting.

At first, I just wanted to wait until tomorrow, September 28th, the day for which I have been waiting for countless weeks. That was the day I was to read it. Not the 25th. I felt guilty, like a cheater, for deliberately ordering it from somewhere that I knew was shipping it already. I just wanted to make sure I had it on the 28th. Well, I do.

For days now my thoughts have wandered beneath my nightstand to the very first ever hardbound book that I bought new and tried to get excited about reading it. But then I think of the pristine pages, the undefiled dust jacket; I think of the months or more that it will be before there will be another book in the series. I think about the days of my life that I will lose to the book. I think about the slipping self respect as I promise myself that I will put the book down after this chapter only to read five more chapters. And I want more space between me and that book.

I once ate dessert instead of entree, not just prior to. Now, I delight in depriving myself of dessert altogether as much as I can. It is my newfound love of pain, inspired by Dentistry and confirmed by practice. For the first time in my life I have found a path to self control that works for me: to lose myself in the power of abstinence. I guess it worked in other areas but it wasn’t as pleasant at the time.

So I have somehow managed to make it to the 28th, as I finish this post, it is indeed the 28th. I have passed by many cakes, I have avoided candy and chips. I have even avoided large portions of anything but raw vegetables. I just stopped biting my nails this year, and in the same vein, I just stopped eating bad stuff. I have stopped sleeping though things. Now I have stopped rushing directly to every single thing I want and started to enjoy waiting and prolonging the the wait and drawing out the pleasure. I amaze me.

I wonder if I’ll read this damn book at all?

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~ by merialiss on September 27, 2004.

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