Oh! There’s a word for that?

I Just ended up with another level to the depth of my clarity…which means, it wasn’t comfy, but hey! Par for the course of course.

I am just surrounded lately by sadness of one type or another. 2 coworkers losing loved ones to the great beyond, 2 ending relationships (or hacking them to bits) with the other parent of their children…and then my patient load lately has been unusually fraught with grief: a preemie died, a surprise Down’s Syndrome baby (not all bad at all, but still there were tears) and then I sent a baby to the NICU at 60 hours old ’cause I was the first person to notice its seizures… Oh–and 2 of those three patients? Were in the room that has the bad ju-ju, the room that was home to a sweet little guy named Preston, who spent nearly all of his 48 hours out of the womb in that room….but that’s a long story. A sad, but enlightening story that is full of hope and great spiritual upheavals.

I don’t like to shy away from emotional whirlwinds. I steer clear of drama but once some real, nitty-gritty shit is happening, I enjoy the challenge of forcing myself to stay with it, to not turn away and keep myself safe. I spend a lot of time not dealing with things (much less than say, 20 years ago, but I am far from perfect) but I feel like in these moments, when it really, really matters, I ought to be there and be fully present.

Unfortunately, I need to learn to vent that energy, cause I am a sponge and I soak it up and then I don’t have a “reason” to feel that way and therefore can’t express it. This explains so much. I know I am like this but I never really took it seriously and it has done permanent damage to my kidneys and liver with all the meds I’ve taken for depression!

It R Srs.

I’ve been sensitive my whole darn life, and I’ve learned to shut it all off and cram down all those “inappropriate” feelings because dammit, Nobody Cared About My Feelings! Plus, it was inconvenient, confusing, and painful.

So now as I approach middle age, I am ever more aware of, and grateful for, all the aspects of my personality. Hindsight and insight have helped me see so much more about myself.
I just need to learn to stop telling myself I’m overreacting, or waiting for an appropriate moment to cry. It is much easier to express my sorrow when I know it really isn’t mine! When I look at my life and I see nothing but gratitude, neurochemical imbalances can explain the incongruous feelings, but so can the fact that I’m harboring other folks’ chi!

Spiritual Awakening on a Saturday morning….sweet….

(Oh, crap…it’s almost 2…..*headdesk*)


~ by merialiss on June 14, 2008.

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