I am a self-righteous Bee Otch

And I am generally so self righteous about it that it doesn’t bother me!

I pissed off one of my coworkers. A coworker that I really like but for whom I have very little respect….generally. This, because she tends to gravitate towards drama…predictably.

She has a boyfriend who has heart issues at a young age (but not the kind you’re born with…the kind that come from bum luck and bad choices) and he’s not such a winner that she’s dying to marry him now that he’s asked. He’s got ex-wives and kids, and she’s young and never been married or had kids. I want more for her! I want her to meet a knight! But I digress.

She asked me to take over her patients because her man was driving himself to the ER, blah blah, blah blah. I was gonna take her patients in a bit, got busy doing something else. She asked me 2 times to give report, but the second time she was a bit of a smart aleck about it (but by this time she’d told me that his ekg was normal (no heart attack) and they were drawing labs…..he was in for a wait) So I was a smart aleck back.

That pissed her off, or set her off or whatever cause then she essentially shot herself in the foot, told me never mind and stayed for another hour and a half whilst slamming stuff around and talking to the man on the phone and also reportedly crying.

Now, I realize I am one of those people that is Never Wrong, at least from her perspective, and she’d have a very hard time winning an argument with me….she isn’t as confident in her smarts as I am in mine and she’s nowhere near as self righteous and pushy as I am. There are people with whom I work that will cross me either because they know me and trust me or because they’re just as mean as I am (or more!). My poor friend has already ended up on the wrong end of my pompous self in regard to the issue of flirting and fidelity…so I know I already had a mark against me.

Gosh I think this girl is great. And my inner teen wants so desperately to smooth this over so the blonde girls don’t hate me. But so far, folks seem to understand my POV–in the 3 years I’ve known her I can’t count how many times she’s had to leave early because of a sick boyfriend (her last one had cancer!) or her own odd body issues. Several were legit and many were iffy. I’ve left early exactly one time and it was at like 10 o’clock on a night when a fever hit me after it was too late to call in…I tried to make it but they called someone in.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe in the whole unbreakable work ethic–I totally believe in prioritizing! I am all about it, it is the basis of my life!

But seriously, folks, I am tired of feeling guilty for my life, for having a partner on whom I can rely emotionally and to care for our children and our life together. I am tired of it! I am intensely grateful for it, but does that mean I should have to feel guilty when I realize I have something that, while dreamt of by many people, is apparently unattainable?

I am willing to own my rotten attitude and that I had no right to judge her personal issues, or base my decision on my feelings about her personal life. But dammit! Why can’t I just feel good for standing up for myself and calling shenanigans on this chick who seems to always have more drama around the bend? Why can’t I feel like I protected myself? Why? because what did I gain, here? I gained very little, all in all. This goes against the Tao in my life! I feel mean.

And I feel even meaner when I heard a totally different story about it today, in which he was much worse off–but that had to be another day that that happened because otherwise one story is a lie and therefore not my problem at all!

I am confuddled. I just wanna not be defensive about it no moar. I wanna just see it as is, without my ego getting all wrapped up in it. And I hate having her mad at me. And you know she’s totally not speaking to me…real mature. But that’s all she knows, I am sure. She’s not terribly self aware or anything of the sort, so I can’t blame her. And if I could? Maybe she’s in that “if you don’t know what to do, do nothing” phase! I don’t know.

It’s none of my business what other people think of me.

Oh and then I insulted a random stranger’s outfit utterly unintentionally this morning. “Are those scrubs or a pants suit?” Ugh. I meant to say, “Please tell me those aren’t scrubs, cause they are way too pretty!” but no. I missed.

And in other news? I dreamed about panthrsoul and geekalpha and me 🙂 And durn but I don’t remember enough details to fuel anything interesting, just enough to know it was titillating 😀

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~ by merialiss on September 10, 2008.

One Response to “I am a self-righteous Bee Otch”

  1. Whew, I can totally identify here! I have finally reached a point though where I don’t feel guilty about stading up for myself. **Rule #1 – Take care of yourself.** If you don’t take care of yourself, you can’t take care of anyone else…and there are some people you do not need to be taking care of…ok many actually, but you get my point.

    Not to mention along those lines, you are not obligated to play into anyone else’s drama. Thing is that other people totally expect you to and get bent when you do not…that’d be THEIR problem, not yours. People will not learn to handle their own crap unless you let them is my theory.

    But in the end it really boils down to: “It’s none of my business what other people think of me.” That’d be the nail O Great Hammer. ;>)

    Oooh we like titillating! Durn, you need to go back to sleep and try and reconnect! muhahahaha ;>)

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