This is new: a positive attitude?

Liek whoa.

So last night I didn’t really want to work. So when a coworker called to ask for my Friday night shift, I said sure and also offered her my last night’s shift. She’d been called off–they called to tell her they didn’t need her, and she needed the time. She was thrilled and amazed and thanked me and I said it was my pleasure, no sweat, etc. Asked her to call the powers that be and tell them she’s me. I figure it was just what we all needed: I have more than I need, really and she didn’t have enough. Made sense.

So when my phone rang about 35 min into my shift and it was my coworker saying she thought I meant Saturday, not Thursday, and could I go in to work now? I got to practice a whole lot of acceptance and patience and love and all that jazz. And–it bloody well worked!

By the time I got in to my unit, I was genuinely smiling and genuinely happy to be there. Yay positive self talk! Wahoo!

I just realized a lot of things as I was getting ready and driving. My BFF had already texted me to tell me how *ahem* disappointed she was that I would not be there; so I knew she’d be happy to see me. I listened to “Exactly” by Amy Steinberg repeatedly on my way in. I prayed a lot. I breathed a lot. I reminded myself I’d was gonna get okay with it eventually–especially since it wasn’t a big deal anyway–and it wasn’t that I was mad, but that I have a tendency to #1 feel sorry for myself and #2 bitch and moan. I just didn’t wanna hear myself bitch and moan all night–especially when I didn’t have the guts to bitch and moan at my poor coworker who was so confuddled. Now–this lady deserves all the good juju I can give her–she’s older than my mom and she’s caring for her elderly mom…which has taken a lot of her paid time off.

I really wanted to forgive and move on. I realized I should just skip to the good part–like with dessert: just skip the whining and go straight to the acceptance. Especially when it was tried and true territory. Wow. How nice to be in a good mood for a change! Like, genuinely and not anticipation or obsession or natural high-induced. Just good additude induced.

The prospect of exercising my power of choice over my emotions and general well-being has opened up a bucket full of trepidation, though! What if I’m a cherry person? What if I always had this kind of control?! What would I do for fun?

It’s a similar question that was raised years ago by the first step (of the Twelve). If I can admit and internalize my powerlessness and learn to accept things as they are…then what would I do for fun if I wasn’t actively trying to *change* my reality? What if there was nothing that needed changing–and not because my life was finally perfect (by some fanciful yardstick) but because I’d finally learned to accept each moment as is and be happy independent of the moment? What if? It’s a scary thought, really. But the only part that really bothers me, deep down, is the long term nature–and since I only have to “live through” that sort of unbridled joy a moment at a time, I think I might be able to talk myself into putting one foot in front of the other 🙂

And please to be forgiving if this is arranged badly or only marginally coherent; I worked all night and I’m still awake at 10:30am 😀


~ by merialiss on November 14, 2008.

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