Trying to Maintain

My positive attitude.
Talking to my friend helped a lot. And then when I pointed out to my husband that I was so grateful she was in my life he mocked my earlier whinging in the friend arena by saying, “But, oh, she doesn’t go to 12 step meetings! You better ditch her for some of the women from meetings!” And I totally got his point.

My dear friend is such a great influence on me even if I resent it and mock her at times. I could not be more grateful for her. And not only is she on a similar path physically–being healthy–but she’s also on a similar spiritual path and she longs to be the same sort of parent I long to be. I think she and I even long to be similar people. Well, we *are* similar people, much to the great chagrin of the rest of the world, but we long to be similar sorts of people. Peaceful, Joyous, and free.

I spent a lot of the weekend sleeping. Noah said today he likes to play family with Grace because then he can pretend to have a “normal” family. I said, “What’s a normal family?” and he said, “One where the Mom doesn’t sleep all day.” Ugh. *headdesk*

I was a right brat this afternoon when I got up and had to apologize to Noah repeatedly. I wanna defend myself! But his hair was matted! But I know that doesn’t matter one whit. Not in the big scheme of things. I just wanted to exert my power. And omg I just got why–because *I* felt out of control, since I’d slept all day without meaning to. (whenever I have the time to do it…or feel like I should be allowed it, I don’t take it because I’d rather spend my solitude some other way) So I was feeling all floppy and twitchy and like I was hurtling uncontrollably through space so I thought I ought to tug on the old parental reins–Reins which I *know* ought to be used only in emergency situations! But no, I go and make playthings out of them. *facepalm* At least I see it now. Progress. I’m here for a reason, after all 🙂

And last night I went to bed early to write in my new Journal (that I’ve had for like 2 months?) and I also listened to Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now. Whoa. I dozed and listened, hoping it would or could seep into my subconscious. He presents mind as that part that does the thinking and ruminating and plotting, and the rest of the BEing comes from somewhere deeper–To him the Mind is the Ego. And he says, “You are not your mind.” Yay. I like the idea of severing that connection through meditation. And as he said, it isn’t a novel concept. He didn’t make this sh*t up. (he doesn’t say that exactly…) It’s all through all the major religions and spiritual paths. It’s deep and simple and not really easy. And true, to Me.

And the COLD. The Cold, cold weather has me in the Mood for the Holidays. I even want to give up my Amy Ray tickets to my friend who was gonna go with me so I can go visit with my husband’s family. I am listening to Christmas music. I had wanted this holiday season to be a bit different. Not buying so much. But I love buying so much. And the kids love it. And Mike loves it too. We all love it. So maybe I should stop feeling guilty for being a consumer, and own the joy I can spread around and share. If we don’t have it, if we can’t get it, if something happens to change, then I can change it. But for now? I mean, soon enough there won’t be so much to buy because they will be big and grown and not want much. Or only want cash 🙂 So for now, let’s enjoy it. Still we plan to redo the bedrooms so each boy can have his own space. That will be nice for them–Noah might be able to keep up with his stuff if he has a nice piece of furniture to keep it on or in! Plus they get to pick colors, etc. This should be fun. I hope it gets done!

I lost 3.4 lbs oficially this week. I am ready. I am ready to be stronger, fitter. But I am taking it very, very slowly–just keeping it at the forefront of my mind.

Okay, Must sleep now.

Now playing: Il Divo (Holiday) – Adeste Fideles
via FoxyTunes


~ by merialiss on November 17, 2008.

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