Trying not to Sabotage my Growth (and Gratitude for Wednesday)

is more like it.

I think in the New Year, I’ll come up with a new Name for my Blog. Something utterly Positive and more Hopeful. And, since it sounds like such a good idea, and so close to what I do anyway, I think I’ll also follow Christine Kane’s Advice and pick a word for the new year instead of a Resolution.

But I digress

I wish I didn’t compare myself to others. (but I think I need to to make sure I’m doing it right, or not missing something, or not falling behind–this I learned in school when I’d be so immersed in my work and in taking my time to do it right like Mr. Rogers always said to do and then I’d get shocked by the fact that I’d done it wrong, or too slowly, or whatever–so I learned to watch others. I also learned to watch others to make sure I wasn’t sticking out of the crowd too far–or later to make sure I was sticking out like crazy!)

Today, I don’t need to do that. I don’t need to compare my working full time self to all the moms who are home full time. And yet I cannot argue that the kids would be better served by having me full time rather than all the monetary compensation. And yet–I think part of the reason I am so loathe to cut back my hours is … ugh this is getting way too deep for me. Stop it, Truth! Leave me be!

I was gonna say that I’m not as good at parenting as I am at earning money, and so while the kids with these crafty uber moms are better off having shiny happy cuddly mom at home, *my* kids are better off with me asleep or at work because I’m so surly.  That is a total copout. Damn. I guess I need to work towards going part time…but I do hold back because while I am clearly the preferred parent (how much does that suck that it lines up like that, but my kids are vocal about their preference even though I feel like Daddy is much more grounded and level headed and less surly. I guess the 3.5 years of breastfeeding pwns all and made me a shoe-in), Dh desperately wants to switch careers and I am trying to support him into that. So I do have, again, good solid reasons behind my decision to remain full time in spite of having more than enough money coming in (for now–as I write, I get the text that The Dow has fallen below 8,000 for the first time since aught 3 over worries about the auto makers).

So, when it feels right, I will be open to whatever change. And for now, I will enjoy our relative bounty and save the extra where I can. Plus, I am getting a lot of spiritual stuff worked out through work right now that I would not have wanted to miss–stuff that I’ve needed to know my whole life and would have missed had I done what is right for everyone else. I think the level of self confidence i’ve gained through my work, not to mention the practicing of empathy and service, are directly in the center of my path. Blessed be, to steal a phrase.

So I was just in a rotten place the last 24+ hours, not too horrible, but without the high that my Spiritual Awakening of earlier in the week had provided. I need to remember that every time “I think I know what’s best for me, Fate– she takes me back to Exactly where I need to be…”

Thank you, Amy Steinberg.

And omg–it’s Wednesday!

I am grateful for:

  1. The seemingly Random set of circumstances that led me to a Path that includes at least the overwhelming desire to be kind and respectful to my kids even if the practice leaves a lot to be desired.
  2. I am grateful I chose to heed my callings both as Mother and as Nurse. (was gonna write something that gave me less credit, but darnit, I *did* agonize over those decisions!)
  3. I am grateful for my Mother, who chose her relationship with me over all else and who taught me how to choose a good mate and to answer my callings.
  4. My oldest son. He’s so much like me, and yet not. He chooses his battles, so I know when to push back and when to help him. I wonder how h’s always been so wise?
  5. My youngest son, who is just open to the world and so Present in the Now that he *can’t* choose his battles because each one is New and the Only one Now. How did he get so wise?
  6. My career, that pays me so well and almost never fails to fill me with warm fuzzies night after night.
  7. and I’ll stop here with my Partner, even though I wish he would read more of the “stuff” that I read so he would know what I mean by “Shiny–” He never fails to balance me, to hold me up, to fight back as needed, and to take care of me as needed.

That’s enough for now. Oh, and I get to visit my In-Laws this weekend and I’m really excited. It’s been a long time and I miss them. They aren’t always my favorite people, but they are a huge part of my extended family (I’m an only child and only grandchild on both sides). So I love them anyway. I look forward to it.

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~ by merialiss on November 19, 2008.

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