I am just not feeling good today. And I keep trying to analyze it and change it and manipulate it but I am also guessing that I would probably fare much better if I would just give myself the space to feel what I feel and move on to where it is I’m headed. I mean, on paper that makes perfect sense.

But in practice, I keep asking, “Why do I feel this way? Why am I so down today? What’s wrong?”

And that‘s the kicker, right there: What’s wrong?

Aren’t I supposed to accept my feelings and allow myself to feel them and therefore there’s nothing wrong at all, I’m just feeling my feelings?

Meanwhile I’m panicking. “Why do I feel this way? What can I do to change it? I don’t have any right to feel this bad: my life is good. What is wrong with me?!”

And better still? Life goes on. I am expected to nice, to be kind to my children. I expect that of myself. But I don’t want to be nice at all! I want to be mean, to snipe and gripe and bite heads off. I have very little patience, very little compassion. I have a very short fuse. Anger empowers me, makes me feel more alive and a lot less helpless. I feed on anger in these moments. Anger I can justify more, I guess. And I’m much less vulnerable. But melancholy? Empty Sorrow? Those I can’t justify.

And there’s also the frantic seeking for what will ‘get me out of it.’ Frantically seeking anything–food, mostly, to be honest–that will snap me out of it. It always seems like these dark moods sort of pop like a zit, rather than fading like a rash (hee, those similes cheer me). So I think, ” I just hafta get through x, y, or z and then I’ll be fine…” or I think “I just need to do x and then everything will be fine.”

In other words, most of the above means I am not surrendering, I am not accepting things as they are.

I know everything is all right, I know everything will be all right. I know I am loved and cared for. I know that all I need is given to me freely.

(And yet, still, I am so sad…)

Really, I guess I ought to chalk it all up to hormones, because it is only the hormone related emoes that come on so suddenly and without warning. Luckily, these days, they last about a day at most, rather than the 2 weeks it was with me before. Geesh though. I guess I just need chocolate.

I want Godiva Hot Chocolate. Maybe I’ll head to Barnes and Noble.


~ by merialiss on December 3, 2008.

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