Forgive me, It’s been 17 days since my last post…

Seventeen days? I make myself too busy! I really wanted to reflect here and record here, but I find myself thinking it will take too much time. Not to mention all the myriad times I’ve tried to post via email only to be interrupted before I’m through, or to have the email lost to the cyber gods.

The devil woke up 20minutes before I did this morning and already had me in a tizzy before my feet hit the floor. I say devil, I mean many things: the Disease, my Mind, the voices, the Old Tapes–you know what I mean. I was the world’s worst mother and unschooler before I even woke up this morning. Luckily I stilled my mind and begged God to help me get some perspective. And oh, how it helped.

I realized within the hour that I didn’t need to make some radical decisions to make myself feel better; I just needed to feel better about not knowing how it will all turn out. The beuty of being comfortable with uncertainty is to just be okay with it and stop seeking answers and cures and fixes.

***WHOA***

So that was a big damn whoa. And I’ve been breathing deeply and remembering it all day long.

It was such a huge load off that I was so much more able to be fully Present. Noah and I went to the bookstore after I went to the gym. We meandered very open-endedly and eventually decided on a couple of purchases (He the Butterfly from the Very Hungry Caterpillar and I, a wooden word search game for 90cents with my discount!). We played with math stuff and we talked about his dislike of listening to stories (not really, but I did confirm that he doesn’t like to listen to them! I really wonder why. I hope to hear the answer when he is able to articulate it!). I thought we’d spend ages in there. I though I’d get bored or impatient. I thought I would have to negotiate some time to look at “my” stuff. But none of those things happened. I had so much fun showing him all the art supplies and ‘splainin’ what each one was…and then contemplating stuffed animals…all sorts of things, that by the time he was ready to go I was surprised he was already ready! You have no idea what a miracle it was for us. Not that we’re usually head to head but really we had a great time and I didn’t feel like a martyr or nothin’!

So then I’d bought stuff to jazz up pasta dinner and so rather than expect the family to read my mind, I laid out my plan of making a real meal for everyone before I went to my mom’s church to get ashed for Ash Wednesday. What a shocker that it went so smoothly with some communication! Liek woah.

So Noah and I made a sit-down meal for everyone and then we all gathered around the table together–and Noah and I made sure everyone knew that that was our preference and that we were grateful that everyone else was willing to join us! And then my mom and I left to go to the service, and when I came home Noah was asleep already on the couch! I think he’s just gotten back up but I know he wanted to sleep early tonight because I suggested we go Very Early tomorrow to get invites for his birthday party and so he’s excited about that. I am, too.

My kids are not starving for outside socialization, they are not educationally deprived. They are receiving everything they need, and nearly everything they want. And I am helping. And I am, too–receiving all I need and want. I want what I have and have what I want.

Not bad for an amateur!

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~ by merialiss on February 26, 2009.

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