It’s not Personal!

Wow.

I am amazed at the way my mind is working overtime on this one issue that isn’t even an issue: I got a ticket today, a speeding ticket, whilst on my way to the skate park.
I was speeding, I was *totally* not paying attention, which is even more alarming–I actually have no idea whatsoever how fast I was going, aside from the lovely officer’s machinery. It was my bad. For real.

AND YET! I keep going back to it. I called my dh as soon as I could to tell him and to ask how much the ruddy ticket would be because I remembered him mentioning that this year it’s now even more expensive if you’re a “Super Speeder” and therefore going more than 20 mph over the posted limit. I was going 61 in a 40. Ugh.

In my utter bewilderment and shock, I am sure that my responses seemed like I was doubting his omnipotence, so he had no desire to drop off a *single* mph to get me from “Super Speeder” down to “Speeder.” He didn’t like the look of me, what with all my free-thinking, overly intellectual and otherwise hostile (to the status quo) bumper stickers.

Naw, I gotta let it go.

What I keep hearing rambling round on the hamster wheel in my head is that somehow this makes me less that perfect and that somehow (??) perfection had become the goal and now I’ve done fallen short and I’ll never, ever be okay again.

I’m sitting here in the skatepark, surrounded by sights and sounds I love on a sunny day with no pressing anything anywhere….and I’m stressing myself out, occasionally even fighting back TEARS at the unfairness, and “if only I hadn’t” and “I wish I could go back” and then stopping, b-r-e-a-t-h-i-n-g and starting over.

Seriously?! Really?

Nobody’s been hurt, I have enough money to pay the ticket. My husband thought it was nice that I could no longer say so smugly that I’d not had a ticket in x amount of time (whereas he’s had one recently), so he wasn’t the least bit miffed. He even told me to calm down and go about my business: so UGH! He could tell, over the phone, just how utterly incapacitated I was by this blow to my ego.

And in all fairness, the really crippling part isn’t the expensive ticket, it’s that I was so focused on the gps on my phone and on trying to seem like I was paying more attention to Noah’s discussion than I was (because I was trying to figure otu how to get where I was going from where I was and concentrating on the GPS), that I had no idea how fast I was going, and really no clue there was a cop there…. Color me ashamed.

So, rather than berate myself or bemoan the unfairness, I can learn from this:

#1: Just turn around. I hate backtracking, I’d much rather find my way through. I gather lots of data that way, and it helps me make the map I have in my head–which, incidentally, is much more helpful in the end than GPS…. And GPS has made this hobby feel tedious, since I can just pull out the machine and it tells me where I am and where to go….if I can just ask the right questions…. So, I really ought to just turn around and save researching alternate routes for a time when I am no driving.

#2: Be alert and present. The world needs more lerts and more presents. Seriously, though, I’ll be paying much better attention all around from now on. Which brings me to…

#3: Be grateful! I got a ticket I can afford (I hope!) and didn’t’ kill anyone or even threaten them. I got a simple lesson in Be here now out of it, and a Huge lesson in getting ME out of it and understanding that it isn’t personal! It’s just business. It’s just the natural consequences, and not the harshest ones by far!

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~ by merialiss on February 15, 2010.

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