My Miscarriage Gratitude List (Do not discard)

A week ago today I learned that I was not quite a pregnant as I thought I was (yes, positive test, no fetal pole in the too-small gestational sac, perhaps the dates were wrong? –impossible), and the day after, I started bleeding.

This is my third 1st trimester loss, and while that sounds awful, I did manage to spread them out a little. The first was 16 years ago, the other, well, it was less than 2 years ago.

And whereas some mornings this past week I haven’t been able to do anything at all without crying inconsolably first, this time has been the very best time. And this is why:

  1. It was quick & easy, no waiting, no ambiguity. Whereas holding out hope might have felt better in the moment, instant knowing is better. Period.
  2. I wanted so badly to be pregnant this time. This was the time. And while some might wonder why that’s a thing for which to be grateful, compared to my first miscarriage when I was honestly wondering how I could possibly go through with a pregnancy at that point in my life, this is better. No self-recrimination or blame. I didn’t cause this with my crappy attitude, or wish it away.
  3. I knew what a precious and delicate gift it was and reminded myself to enjoy every minute. At times this week I’ve wanted (and still do, honestly) to just erase the last 3 weeks from my memory banks, but as my lovely husband pointed out, “Don’t! It was fun and wonderful while it lasted!” Which reminded me that EVERY pregnancy ends at some point, and then the real work begins. Sometimes there’s a brand new baby that sucks the life out of you and doesn’t even smile for a month, but also sometimes it’s just pain and loss. Neither outcome destroys the joy and wonder that is being pregnant for any amount of time. Just because you have to leave the amusement park, doesn’t mean you should regret only getting to ride the roller coaster once!
  4. This time, I had 2 weeks to tell people. So all the closest people in my life knew, and were unabashedly overjoyed. Their Joy magnified my own. The memory of their reactions to the news is such a happy, loving place for me.
  5. I feel so surrounded by love. I have people texting me, making food for me, posting silliness on Facebook for me. I have people around me that I can snark to and on whose shoulders I am not afraid to cry (if absolutely necessary). My boss hugged me three times at our workplace picnic this past weekend! How lucky am I (and it’s not a sleazy dude, either, my boss is a very lovely lady, who genuinely wanted to comfort me!)
  6. My husband knows the drill, fears the depths to which I can sink here, but because he knows this path, I feel so comfortable sharing my feelings, letting them go. I don’t feel this time like I did with the ectopic in 2010 that if I don’t grieve and wallow in the sadness that nobody will remember, that it will be a lost detail. I am perfectly happy with letting this griefwork go asap and moving on, especially since I really suck at denial. I’m all in with my emotions and at their mercy til they pass. My husband knows this about me and he ain’t skeered of it any more.
  7. I know this sounds macabre or something, but having 3 losses just elevates my pitiful levels to the legit. Like, I now feel entitled to feel sorry for myself in spite of the fact that I have 2 healthy kids. I didn’t really feel entitled to my pain before, not on the scale that it seemed to wash over me in the moments that it did. I’m just a little twisted that way.
  8. I am in such a better place overall. I no longer am the person I once was, who chose to dwell in the sad places and beat the dead horse of sadness. I look towards the Light and choose to avert my eyes to the positive, the fun, and appreciate all the things that I like. So, whereas I will allow the feelings to come, I am not clinging to them and that gives me hope that this time, it won’t be a 2 Year Long Journey of Climbing out From under a Huge Pile of Rocks that it was the other times. It will be a setback.

Okay, I might could add to it. But, I can stop now. I hope this list might help someone else some day. At the risk of beating dead horses, I do wish that Women would talk more about pregnancy losses and relate to each other. I wish we could wear badges, or something so we can relate to each other. I refuse to regret the last 3 weeks, I will presence that joy I felt and I will allow myself the space I need to be me and to heal. I also will keep the “Yeah, you feel good now, but what about later?!?!” panic to a minimum, too. Each moment in its own time.

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~ by merialiss on September 18, 2012.

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