I’ve been making notes for months on topics I’d like to blog about. As a matter of fact, one of my intentions for the new year is to blog regularly. But with this one and also my fangirl LJ, I have such a hard time forcing myself to sit still long enough to write. And now there’s nobody to read them. So. Hello! I’m here, and maybe I’ll direct some kind folk this way soon and they can read all my wise ramblings.

Last Summer, 2012, I found out my father had cancer, that it was inoperable and terminal. Then I found out I was pregnant. Then I miscarried. Then I drove to New Mexico (it was Fall by then, tbh) to spend quality time with my dying father, who is surprisingly and delightfully healthy for now.

I’ve been in touch with me long enough to know to give myself a break as of late. Pretty much until my dad dies, I have let myself off the hook. Which makes me ask, “What is this hook? And why should I ever be on a hook?!”

Shouldn’t I always treat myself with the sort of understanding and kindness I am trying to kindle now? I hope that’s one of the takeaway lessons from this year and/or the next. But it really does help, when I am all kinds of verklempt, to remember, “Oh, yeah! Bad shit is brewing in my subconscious, let it go!”

I’m an only child. Only grandchild on both sides. One upside is the lack of criticism in my choices about everything, and another is the lack of attention paid to my mental state (Nobody checks in with me like Sam to Dean, “I know you’re hurting, you need to face this, you can talk to me…”). Nobody whines that I don’t do enough. Nobody expects more of me.

The downside is that there is nobody else to help or care.

I mean, I have lots of people in my life who care about me, but none who care for my parents the way that I do. It was the best argument against having an only child ever: when my childhood Pastor’s father died, he relied so heavily on his siblings for healing and support that he immediately decided his son needed a sibling for when his time came. My husband has 3 living siblings and they never agree on anything about their mom. But at least they have each other.

I don’t mean to sound pitiful about my dying father (and what do I do from across the country, to make arrangements? He’s married, can’t his wife do that stuff? My dh says I should, but what can I do from here? How do I drop everything and go there? How do I do that ALONE? <——and there’s a glimpse into my anxiety related to this area of my life) but I do want to share it honestly. I prefer this semi-anonymous format, too, that takes the burden off of individual friends and places it into the hands of teh interwebs.

So the thing I was relying on to sort of buffer me, to allow me to transcend this grief and celebrate the mysterious circle of life, getting pregnant, is just not panning out. It’s been like 2 years, 2 pregnancies and it’s making my life unmanageable and I am so honestly powerless over it.

Letting that go, while simultaneously embracing my father’s imminent demise? Sucks so fucking much. But I cannot take that too seriously because I really could run with that drama.

I am letting go of my attachment. I am letting go of my ideas of a particular outcome. I am supplying myself with some hope….about the JOURNEY and letting go of the destination.

My father will die (so will my mom, for that matter. I thought I was prepared for this and I feel very silly even mentioning it, although I am really grateful that I have this depth of emotion with regard to my parents’ deaths, because several points in my life I’ve been so flippant about death and especially my own parents’ inevitable demises that I worried about my mental health…so this grief is comforting, showing me I am at least partially normal, Hallelujah!)

There is no right way. There’s no “supposed to be.” Nobody has ever been me, doing this thing, before, ever. Ever. SO let I am letting it go. I shall go with the Flow and look up and around from time to time and see that Everything is in its Right Place and All is Well. I am astoundingly flexible and resilient. This too shall pass.

 

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~ by merialiss on March 26, 2013.

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